She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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