god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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