Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize