i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize