Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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