Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
