Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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