Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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