so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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