Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
