my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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