Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We need a shit load of segways right now
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
