D3 body, D1 cock
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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