i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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