I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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