Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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