I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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