I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
