I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
