I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
