So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
