I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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