Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
