omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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