apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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