He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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