I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
