she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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