thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
