he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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