On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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