Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize