I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
