Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
