my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
