Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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