Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
