Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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