"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
