My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
