I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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