I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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