wanna go halves on a baby?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
