Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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