I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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