Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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