I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize