Who did Billy Mays play for?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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