You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
