1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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