I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
