toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
