I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
