Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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