dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
