last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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